Frequently asked questions
Listed below are some questions we have been asked.
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Why is the legal age for consent 16?
The main reason is to give young people the opportunity to get to know what they want and to have the mental maturity to deal with the consequences of having . It is also there to protect young people from having to defend themselves against sexual advances.
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Why do people rape/sexually abuse others?
There is no one answer for this question. is not necessarily about passion or sexual desire. It doesn’t happen just because someone was too horny and got carried away. There are many sexually violent acts and many different motivations for people who choose to hurt someone else.
It can happen because one person is focused on their own wants and needs and doesn’t stop to look or listen for ‘no’ messages from the other person. Sometimes it’s a desire for power or control; sometimes it’s about anger, revenge or wanting to humiliate another person.
It can be that someone feels entitled to a sexual act, or it can be someone not respecting what another person would like to do sexually.
Bottom line is that there is never any excuse for sexually violent behaviour, and it is not ok. Remember that no one ever asks or wants to be sexually violated. It happens to all sorts of people, all over the world, no matter what their age or gender.
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How can you tell if someone is going to be sexually disrespectful?
Short answer? No. Sadly you can’t. People who commit acts of come from all walks of life; they can be male or female and are all sorts of different ethnicities, shapes, and sizes.
Now we’re not saying that everyone out there is a potential rapist - the world is filled with wonderful people who aren’t out to hurt you, and will treat you respectfully.
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What happens to a person if they are sexually assaulted and decide to go to the cops?
What if you tell the Police, but they aren’t being helpful?
Sometimes this happens, stink but true. The best thing to do is to get help from someone else. Talk about this issue you are having with the cops to one of the agency's listed below:
Check out Youth Law for info about how to make a complaint about the Police or ring them on for more info about your rights.
Auckland Sexual Abuse Help or Counseling Services Centre are both great places to talk about this issue. They can help with advocacy (which is just a fancy word meaning someone else steps up for you and makes sure your rights are upheld).
The main thing is the Police are there to help. They should take all complaints seriously and treat you with respect and . If you feel that you are not being treated right, there are people who can help. You are not alone!
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What if someone does something bad to you sexually, but then says that if you tell anyone they will hurt you or your family?
People that do this are sexual offenders. The reason sexual offenders use threats is because they know what they’re doing is wrong. They know they could get into a lot of trouble if the person who is being hurt is able to speak out. The best thing to do is tell someone you trust. For some numbers to ring click here.
Safety is your number one priority. If in doubt about the safety of yourself or someone else, call the Police.
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Why would someone touch another person sexually then not want to have sex? Isn’t that being a tease?
Everyone has their own pace for sexual stuff. It‘s best to enjoy what is happening right now instead of trying to rush someone into having , or doing stuff they are not ready for. Sexual stuff is always better when all people involved are keen on what’s happening and listening to each other. Plain and simple: touching/kissing/doing sexual stuff without going all the way is NOT being a tease. It is simply enjoying different types of physical affection at your own pace.
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Is it rape if you touch someone for a few seconds, like on their hand, or elbow?
Rape is a very specific legal term, it always involves genitals. However, touching someone when they don’t want to be touched, even for just a few seconds, is disrespectful.
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What are the definitions of the words you are using about this stuff?
What if someone was wasted on drugs or alcohol and got sexually violated but then didn’t want to tell the cops because of the drugs/alcohol?
It’s really important to know that the cops will want to know exactly what happened when someone was sexually violated. This means you should always tell them about any drugs or alcohol you may have had at the time. This doesn’t mean they are going to bust you for underage drinking or doing drugs. They want to know if you were so wasted that anyone doing sexual stuff with you was breaking the law because you were too out of it to know what was going on. More often than not, the cops will not charge a young person with possession or underage drinking if they have come to lay a complaint about sexual violation. What they are most concerned about is knowing what happened so they can investigate the complaint. It doesn’t matter if you chose to get wasted - no one chooses to be sexually violated and being drunk or high is not an invitation for abuse.
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What if someone was being sexually assaulted and hit the offender, what would happen?
If something is happening to someone that they are not ok with, it is legal to do whatever you need to do to get out of that situation.
Some people are able to run away, scream, bite, or fight back; other people just stay very still, ‘cos that is the only way they can see of getting through the situation.
The main thing to remember is just do what needs to be done to get away. You can hit them to get away, but you can’t keep beating them when they have stopped assaulting you. You also can’t get your mates, find the offender and then give them the bash – that’s assault, and it’s not ok no matter what someone might have done to you or someone you care about.
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What can you do if the person you love asks you to have sex with them, and you don’t want to hurt their feeling by saying no?
It can be hard saying no to someone you love. However, your feelings should be respected by them. Talk openly and honestly to the person you love about what you would like to do and how you are feeling. They might feel a bit down if you’re not both on the same page about sexual stuff, but open communication is the best way to have a great, fun sexual relationship.
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What if your boyfriend/girlfriend wants to have sex with you and you are scared if you say no they might dump you?
Anyone who would dump someone else over not having is not worth your time! You should be able to do sexual stuff when you want. Saying that you’ll be dumped if you don’t have is emotional blackmail and is not ok.
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What if you and your partner are under 16 and having sex, but you both want it?
Most of us know that some people under the age of 16 have . Plain and simple, if two people under the age of 16 are having it is illegal. It is also important to note that when we say “ ” we are not meaning just a penis going into a vagina. It is illegal to have , (sometimes called poking or fingering), , or with anyone under the age of 16.
If someone lays a complaint with the cops about this they will look into it to make sure that the people under 16 are ok. If the Police think it appropriate to press charges, both people under 16 (doesn’t matter if they were male or female) could be charged, and could charge each other.
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What happens if someone gets pregnant from rape?
This does happen and it is up to the female who is pregnant to decide what she would like to do.
She could have the child – this does happen and people who have been conceived from rape can deal with how they came into the world and lead a good life.
She could have the child then adopt it out. Click here for more info on adoption options.
She could have an abortion – FYI abortions are legal in as long as two consultants agree that the pregnancy would seriously harm the female’s mental or physical health, which can be the case if the female got pregnant from rape. For more info about abortion in NZ click here.
No one can force someone to have a child, or force them to have an abortion. It is always the person who is pregnant who has the final say.
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What if you are having sex then change your mind and want to stop, but the other person doesn’t stop?
There is no rule that says once you start having you have to keep going. You are always able to change your mind. Clear verbal communication saying that you want to stop, slow down or do something else is great. As well as words, the other person should be looking for “yes/keep going” signals and “no/slow down” signals too – these can be words, sounds, body movements or a combination of all three.
It is really common for the brain and voice to freeze up in stressful sexual situations – this is normal and it is NEVER someone’s fault if they weren’t able to say “no” to sexual stuff.
If someone continues to do sexual stuff to you when you have said (non-verbally or verbally) that you want to stop then it is not ok. If someone is doing sexual stuff to you without your then it is .
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How can people go to the Police if it happened years ago when they were kids?
It is really important to know that there is no time limit on when you can report a sexual crime. Often when happens to kids they don’t understand what happened or even have the words to talk about what was done to them. It is great if you can report any crime as soon as it has been committed, as there will be a greater chance of getting substantial evidence if the crime has only just occurred. That being said, can be really traumatic and some people can find it hard to tell straight away. The bottom line is you can report a case of no matter when it happened. The Police should take all complaints seriously regardless of when they happened. If you or someone you know is thinking about reporting a sexual crime to the Police feel free to click here to find a support centre that can help you with this process.
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Can a guy get raped by a girl?
The law says ‘rape’ is something that can only happen to a woman, by a man. However a man can be sexually violated by a woman. This would mean that the guy did not want to have sexual stuff done to them and the woman did it anyway. It is important to remember that an erection doesn’t mean for a guy. Guys can get erections at really random times, so just because a guy gets an erection it doesn’t mean they want to do sexual stuff.
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If you consent when drunk, is it sexual violation?
It depends how drunk the person was. If the person was passing in and out of consciousness, throwing up on themselves, unable to speak properly or unable to walk, then even if they did say yes to sexual stuff, law says that they were too wasted to actually . Remember: is both people knowing exactly what is happening and they are both sweet with it. Really when you think about it, if someone is passing out and vomiting, it’s not sexy and no one should be doing sexual stuff with someone who’s that wasted.
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How can a woman sexually violate another woman?
A woman can sexually violate another woman by doing any sexual stuff to her without her .
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What if you are 15 and have a boyfriend or girlfriend older than you, and you want to have sex?
We know that some people under the age of 16 have . Plain and simple if someone over 16 is having with someone under 16 it is illegal.
It is also important to note that when we say “ ” we are not meaning just a penis going into a vagina. It is illegal to have , (sometimes called poking or fingering), , or with anyone under the age of 16.
If someone lays a complaint with the Police about this they will look into it to make sure that the person under 16 is safe. Remember, there is a big power difference between a 15 year old and an 18 year old. People older than 16 might use , or to get someone under 16 to do things they might not want to do.
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How long do you go to prison for if you’re convicted of sexual violation?
The maximum sentence is 20 years however this is decided on a case by case basis. Sometimes sentences can be stacked up so you get more than 20 years. More often than not people who are convicted of sexual crimes are not given the maximum sentence. The average is around 8-13 years, depending on the crime.
When someone is convicted of sexual violation it will always be on their Police record. It never goes away. This can make it really hard to get jobs where they are around young people or need to be in charge of other people. It also means that there are heaps of countries they wouldn’t be able to travel to. This means with a crime on their record they wouldn’t be able to do a job like professional athlete, as they could only play home games.
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If I told a counsellor about something that happened to me, would they tell the cops or someone else?
Normally whatever you talk about to a counsellor is confidential and they would only tell someone else if they thought you were in danger. So you were talking about an experience you had ages ago, or something that happened recently, but was not still happening then the counsellor will not tell anyone else.
If you were still in danger (if the abuse was still happening to you or someone else in your house) or if you were thinking of harming yourself or others, then yes the school counsellor has a responsibility to keep you safe. Depending on the school’s policy they often tell the principal about the abuse. Then it is up to the principal to decide if they need to report it to the Police or Child Youth & Family (CYFS). They would only do this if you were (in their mind) in danger. They should tell you about each step they are taking to keep you safe.
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How can I help someone who had bad sexual stuff happen to them, but doesn’t want to talk about it or get help?
Your friend probably doesn’t expect you to solve the problem. They may just want support or someone to tell. You don’t need to be an expert, just a good mate who can listen and give support when needed. Offer to go with them to tell someone who can help, like a teacher, counsellor, adult or a parent. If they are unlikely to be hurt in the next day or so, or at all in the future, then you don’t need to rush to get them help. Your friend may need some time before being ready to get help. Respect their right to go at their own speed. For more info about how to help a friend click here.
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Who do you go to for help if you get sexually violated?
Is it ok to masturbate?
It is perfectly normal and natural to masturbate. Both girls and guys do it. It can be really helpful to find out what you like sexually by touching yourself and finding out what feels good for you.
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Is it ok to be gay?
It is perfectly ok to be gay. Attraction is not something you can control and people can be attracted to the same as themselves. No one should discriminate against someone else due to their sexual orientation. The world is made up of a huge diversity of people. There are homosexual, heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, and Takataapui (also Takatāpui), just to list a few! The world would be totally boring if everyone was the same.
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Is it true that little boys can get erections?
Boys get erections right from birth. It is a way that their body checks that everything is working and the blood is flowing around the body as it should be. This does not mean that they are thinking sexual thoughts or want to do sexual stuff.
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If someone wanted to be sexually violated, is it still sexual violence?
No one wants to be sexually violated. If someone wants to do sexual stuff with someone else, then they are consenting to what is going on thus it is not .
Sometimes people have had an orgasm from . This does not mean that they wanted it to happen, liked what was happening or that they . Bodies sometimes just react to physical contact. Bottom line: no one asks for, wants or likes being sexually violated.
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If I was raped, have I lost virginity?
Our view is that virginity is not something that can be taken, stolen, or lost. It is something that is given from one person to another. This is something that can only happen when there is and both people want to be having .
Biologically speaking, many people believe that virginity is ‘lost’ when a female’s hymen is broken. Firstly, the hymen doesn’t break; it already has a hole in it for the female’s period to come out of. When people sometimes bleed during this is often due to a lack of lubrication and thus tiny tears occur in the vagina and it can bleed a little. Secondly, if virginity was based on the ‘breaking’ of the hymen it would mean that guys would always be virgins, as they have no hymen to break. Also people who do not have would be seen as virgins, no matter how much non- they were having.
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