Hear and respect "No" messages

Are you seeing, hearing or feeling ‘No’ (or “I’m not sure”) messages from yourself or those you’re with?

Remember silence is not a ‘Yes’ message. If someone is acting shy, scared, unsure, hesitant or you think they are not TOTALLY keen then stop and ask how they are doing.

A lot of people find it really hard to express ‘No’ messages verbally and clearly. It could be they don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings or they are scared of how others will react, and/or they are scared that if they say ‘No’ the other person will think they are saying, “No, I don’t like you”, rather than, “No, I don’t like what you are doing right now”.

Remember: You have a responsibility to respect how the person you are with is feeling about what is happening.

Like ‘Yes’ messages, people express ‘No’ messages in many different ways - sometimes it’s really obvious what’s being said. Other times it’s not so clear and you must listen carefully to get the real meaning.

Here are some of the different types of verbal and non-verbal ‘No’ messages we have heard from young ers and our friends at Scarleteen, www.scarleteen.com.

(You can also read the list as a PDF).

Verbal  'No' messages can include:

• Telling you they’re feeling unwell.
• Telling you they are feeling uncomfortable.
• Telling you they are in pain.
• “Slow down!”
• “I’m not in that frame of mind right now. “
• “Stop it - I don’t like that!”
• “I don’t feel comfortable.”
• “I’m not in the mood.”
• “I’m too distracted right now.”
• “I am totally into doing … with you, but just not right now, how about we see where we’re at later?”
• “I don’t want to do this.”
• “This is not what I wanted to do, stop!”
• “No, don’t.”
• “I'm not sure. “
• “I don't know. “
• “I'm scared.”
• “No more.”
• “I want to, but...”
• “I feel worried about... “
• “I don't want you/it/that .“
• “Can you please not do…”
• “I thought I wanted to, but... “
• “Maybe.”
• “I love you/this, but...”
• “I want to do this, but not right now.”
• “I don't know how I feel about this.”
• “I'm not ready or not sure if I'm ready.”
• “I don't want to do this anymore.”

Non-verbal (body language) 'No' messages can include:

• Moving your hand away.
• Silence.
• Turning away.
• Just lying there doing nothing.
• Not touching you back.
• Looking unhappy or scared.
• Putting a pillow wall up between you and them.
• Putting their clothes back on.
• Falling asleep or pretending to.
• Shutting their legs.
• Turning over and lying on their stomach.
• Hitting/moving your hand away.
• Backing away.
• Reading a book.
• Leaving the room.
• Turning on the TV.
• Switching on their laptop.
• Playing with cell phone.
• Making a joke.
• Starting to talk about something really serious.
• Crying.
• Trying to move away.
• Avoiding eye contact.
• Shaking head ‘No.’
• Not being comfortable being naked.
• Sounds of fear or sadness, like whimpering or a trembling voice.